Comfort

 

This is the scene at my house today.  My son is home sick from school with a stomach virus, and it was a late, late night last night as I cleaned up vomit and tended to his needs. 

Despite the drudgery, that little voice calling out, "Mom" in the night was sweetness to my ears.  My boy needed me.  Children need their mothers.  How nice it feels to be needed, and to have that ability to ease someone's pain.  When we're not well, we all want comfort, someone to love us and tell us that everything is going to be OK.  I could do that for my son, and despite my lack of sleep, and the fact that I'm writing this with the gas tank on empty, I was happy to be there for my sick child.

Honestly though, I wish I was the child in this picture, being held tightly by someone who loves me and knows how to take care of me.  Thank goodness my husband is a hugger!  He comforts me whenever I need it, and has talked me down from many ledges, metaphorically speaking.  Bless him.

But I still have the need to hear those certain words, "It's going to be OK."  With Lyme, no one can really say those things to us, can they?  This illness is so uncertain.

As I've mentioned before in my blog, I was left with no option but to turn to my Heavenly Father for the comfort and reassurance I needed.  It's sad to say that "I was left with no option", but to be honest, I often (wrongly) look for human comfort before spiritual comfort.  And that is why I learned so much from Lyme, spiritually.  It taught me where my hope should be at all times.  God left me with no option but to turn to Him, and He did this to teach me.  And truly, I'm totally OK with that.  God gave me the direction and correction I needed.

When I was feeling much better, though, I started to slide away from Him.  Not completely, of course, but as "life" took over again, I was feeling pretty good and pretty confident.

And here I am now, in a relapse.  Not quite "back to square one", but still left wondering how this will all play out, and what my future is going to look like.

And I need God again.  And I know He will take me back, and love me, and comfort me, because that's the kind of Father he is.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for putting up with my flaws.  I'm so sorry that I ignored You for so long, and that it took a life-threatening illness to wake me up.  But thank you for that!  You knew what I needed.  You took something awful and made something good out of it.  I don't want to keep sliding away from You every time I get well, so please hold me close, because my grip is not as strong as yours.  I thank you for your comfort, and for reminding me that it's going to be OK, whether I'm healed or not.  Thank you for being the loving Father you are, and for taking me back again and again.  Amen.

I want to recommend a couple of prayer books.  One is listed in my "Books" link and was just an invaluable resource for those times when I had so much to say to God, but couldn't find the words.



 

And this one, entitled Jesus Today, was brought to my attention by a friend of mine.  It is a daily devotional by Sarah Young who suffers from.......Lyme disease!  She tells her story at the start of the book.  It's all too familiar.  Anyway, I decided to buy the book because I knew that the daily readings would be from a perspective I could relate to.  I'm hoping they will speak to my heart.

 

I do hope that you will find peace and comfort from the One who can provide beyond our comprehension.  Open up your Bible or a prayer book, and let God speak to your heart today.

Feelings of insecurity

I just got off the phone with the secretary of a helpful doctor I was referred to when I was very ill last year.  This doctor works at the sleep medicine clinic at one of our hospitals.  She is a psychiatrist who specializes in sleep.

Before I tell you about today, and the reason for the title of this post, let me tell you about this doctor.  Even though she was not well versed in Lyme disease, I did not feel demeaned by her.  She truly wanted to help me resolve my sleep issues, whether they were from Lyme (as I knew they were), or stress.  She never actually said, "Yes, I really believe you have Lyme!"  But she never discounted it either.  She listened well, and engaged in dialogue with me.  She encouraged me in my efforts to follow her "sleep plan" for me, and she never spoke condescendingly or in a reprimanding tone.  This doctor arranged to have a sleep study done for me very quickly, and when I was ready to come off of the sleep medication, she helped me out SO much.  I really appreciated her at a time when other doctors were shutting their doors to me.

So back to today.  I was to have an appointment with her this coming Wednesday which I knew would be my last appointment because I've been sleeping well for many months now.  (Hooray!  I never thought the day would come when my sleep would be restored.)  Anyway, the secretary needed to reschedule my appointment to an earlier time which unfortunately didn't suit my work schedule.  In the end, I just cancelled the appointment altogether.  I might as well free up an appointment time for someone who really needs her.  The secretary told me that if I should need to see her again beyond 3 months from now, I would need to be referred again, but the problem is that she is not taking any new referrals!

My heart sank.  For a little while, feelings of insecurity washed over me.  Here I am, at the END of this relationship, with no chance of coming back should my situation change.  I felt a bit scared.

Then I got thinking about what it will be like when I'm no longer seeing my LLMD (Lyme-literate medical doctor).  He literally saved my life!  And soon, I'll be let loose, out on my own, to "wait and see" what happens, if anything.

So why the fear?  If I've finished treatment, that's all there is to it, right?  Wrong.  The concern of relapse will always be a dark cloud overhead.  It's hard to fully eradicate the Lyme bacteria, Borrelia burgdorferi, once it's entrenched in organs and tissues.  As one LLMD wrote, "you can beat it down, but you can't beat it out."  Now this all depends on how soon after being infected that you begin treatment.  In my case, I don't know when I was infected.  I believe that the bacteria was dormant in me for quite some time before multiplying and developing into full-blown Lyme.  Although I started treatment 5 months after the onset of my symptoms, I may have been infected years before.  So who knows if I can ever really be "cured".  And that's the frightening part.  Being out on my "own" and no longer under the care of a doctor.

Those of you who know me personally will be thinking to yourselves, "Where is God in all of this?  Has Paula forgotten all He has done for her during her illness?"  Well absolutely not!  I remember every big and small thing God did to help me pass through this valley of the shadow of death.  I will never forget it.  But sometimes the fears and feelings of insecurity block out the other emotions.  I am human.  And that is when I realize that I need turn back to Him who can comfort me, protect me, help me, and who will never leave me or forsake me.  When I think on these things, it warms my heart and gives me that peace that transcends all understanding.

Despite the fact that relationships with my doctors will soon be ending, God is and always will be my Great Physician.  And no matter what happens, it's going to be alright.